When Their Path Isn’t Yours
One of the hardest parts of parenting adults is watching them shape a future that looks nothing like the one you imagined for them.
Maybe you pictured something more familiar: college, career, independence, and a steady sense of direction.
But their version? It might be a gap year. Entering the trades. Skipping college. Or, even crazier, maybe pursuing something that doesn’t even have a name yet. (The world changes fast, friends.)
Sometimes, the plot twists are bigger.
A friend of mine recently found out her 19-year-old daughter and her boyfriend are expecting a baby. It’s not a tragedy but it is a curveball. One that’s shaken their family and driven a wedge where there used to be an easy connection. As parents, we worry because we know how hard raising kids can be, even with age, experience, money, and a village of support. But when you’re still a kid yourself, trying to figure out who you are, wrapped up in a relationship that might not be steady? That’s a fragile, volatile mix.
As for me, each of my boys is figuring things out in his own way and in his own time. And the way their lives are unfolding is wildly different from how mine did.
One of my sons chose junior college to start ahead of transferring to a 4-year university. He’s studying fashion design. I’m constantly shocked by how many people say, “Wow, he’s lucky you let him do that.”
Um, I’m sorry … let him?
Yes, I’m paying for his education. But the idea that I’m supposed to grant permission for my kid to live his life and study what he loves just feels … off. He’s doing the work, just not at the breakneck speed some of my friends’ kids are. While they’re prepping for graduations, applying for jobs, and contemplating grad schools, I’m over here whispering, “Kid, let’s bust a move already.”
But I’ve also come to appreciate that his pace is his own. It’s not mine. It’s not anyone else’s. And that’s exactly how it should be.
Another one of my crew is less sure of what’s next. And that uncertainty hits in an entirely different way.
He’s smart. He’s driven. But he’s feeling a little stuck (which is so common). Watching him has forced me to face some hard and uncomfortable questions such as: What if he stays stuck a little longer? What if progress looks like simply trying something - anything - instead of figuring it all out first? (Honestly, I think that approach would suit him perfectly.) And what if he ends up on a path that skips college or traditional education altogether?
That’s when the internal mom guilt creeps in hard and fast.
I recently asked my mom if she ever wrestled with the gap between the life she hoped we’d have and the lives we actually chose. Because for me, the voice I hear says: “Maybe their choices reflect something I did. Or worse, something I didn’t do. Or even worse still, something I didn’t do right.” My mom reassured me and brought this truth forward: Deep down, I am certain they’ll find their way. My sons are solid men with good hearts, smart minds, and a strong desire to make a mark for themselves in the world.
The Pull to Let Go
Their way won’t be my way, and it most likely won’t look anything like what I’d hoped, dreamed, wished, and spent decades working like a dog to make possible.
And that’s the pull, really. How do I hold the space to celebrate the path they will choose, especially when every part of me wants to step in and steer it somewhere safer?
I’m learning that raising adults means I have to let go of the stories I wrote for them (and I’m sure I’ll write more of them) and find the real joy in loving the shit out of the lives they are living for themselves.
Because if I don’t, my own internal and made-up crises mean I might potentially miss out on their celebrations.
And I won’t allow that to happen.
#ParentingAdults, #LettingGoWithLove, #ModernMotherhood, #DifferentPathsSameLove, #RaisingHumansNotMiniMes, #EvolvingAsAMom
We’ve earned every wrinkle. Might as well make more laugh lines together.
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This one hit home .. thank you ♥️