The Hidden Promotions of Midlife

Competence is a strength. It just shouldn’t become everyone else’s retirement plan.

“At some point you have to stop managing chaos and start leading your own damn life. That means stepping off the hamster wheel of over-functioning and letting other grown-ass adults handle their own mess. If you’re the hardest working person in every relationship, it’s time to STEP OFF.”

- Charlie Bauman, pg. 11, - REAL GIRLS GUIDE TO MIDLIFE.

There wasn’t an interview or offer letter. And there 100% was no raise involved.

Then, one day, you simply realize, somehow, you’ve become the Chief Logistics Officer of your family, Director of Social Planning, Emotional Support Department, Keeper of Every Password Ever Created, and apparently the only person who knows where the new batteries reside (top drawer, next to the dishwasher, BTW).

And you know what? I don’t fricken remember saying yes to any of it!

You might remember our friend Charlie Bauman, from RGG, an amazing marriage and family therapist. We talked recently about the patterns he sees over and over again with the midlife women, men and couples he counsels.

He calls them archetypes.

As I read through his examples, I kept thinking… I don’t view these as archetypes necessarily. I think they’re what I’ve dubbed “hidden promotions.” And I think most of us earned them the exact same way.

We were capable once, then we were capable again and again. Before we knew it, capable had become responsible.

I’ve lived this more times than I can count. I became the planner, the organizer, the one who remembers to book the flights before prices go up. The reliable one who texts the group thread to figure out lunch plans, keeps track of birthdays, and somehow knows where every important document resides. None of those jobs happened overnight. They accumulated one small favor at a time, little by little, until they weren’t favors anymore. They were just… mine. As in, my responsibility.

The promotion that really got me, though, was becoming The Translator.

You’ve probably done this too.

“She didn’t mean it like that.”

“He’s just tired.”

“That’s not really how she communicates.”

“You know he loves you.”

Any of those ring a bell?

I’ve caught myself explaining someone else’s behavior so many times that I barely even notice I’m doing it. At some point you realize you’ve become the public relations department for another grown adult. That’s a strange job description when you really think about it.

Then there’s The Peacekeeper.

This one doesn’t get enough attention because from the outside it looks like you’re being easygoing. What you’re actually doing is running the math in your head.

Is correcting this worth the next three hours? Will this tiny comment somehow become tomorrow’s argument? Do I have the energy for that today?

Sometimes I speak up, sometimes I let it go. Truthfully, I should probably let it go more often.

Not because I’m okay with it, but I’ve learned there’s a difference between being heard and being dragged into an argument I never wanted to be a part of in the first place.

Charlie also shared with me another observation that made me laugh because it felt so familiar.

He said many men build their social lives through their wives and partners - and this becomes more obvious in midlife. They’re happy to go to dinner, go on vacation, meet another couple or show up to the barbecue. But ask who actually made the plans, sent the texts, coordinated calendars, and followed up three weeks later, and you usually find the same person holding the clipboard.

Odds are you can guess who held that clipboard in my former relationship. Thankfully, with my Aussie Man things are much more balanced.

Then I started thinking about many of the couples I know. Who remembers everyone’s birthdays?

Who suggests getting together? Who buys the hostess gift on the way there because someone remembered at the last second?

Who keeps the friendships alive? (It isn’t always the woman, by the way.)

But let’s just say I wouldn’t bet against her, the majority of the time.

The funny thing is none of these promotions happen because we’re forced into them. Most of them start because we’re good at something. We’re organized. We’re thoughtful. We’re dependable. We care.

Those are wonderful qualities until people stop seeing them as gifts and start seeing them as expectations. That’s when being capable quietly turns into carrying everyone else.

Midlife has made me question a lot of things I used to accept without thinking - in my relationships, with my work, in my life full stop. I don’t mind being the planner, sometimes. I actually enjoy hosting and connecting people I love, and I like making things happen.

What I don’t love is assuming those jobs automatically belong to me simply because I’ve always done them. Maybe that’s one of the better parts about getting older. You stop asking, “Can I handle this?” You already know you can.

The better question is, “Do I still want to?” Because some of these hidden promotions I’m happy to keep.

Others?

I’m thinking it’s finally time to hand in my resignation.

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#RealGirlsGuidetoMidlife #MidlifePromotions #MidlifeBoundaries

We’ve earned every wrinkle. Might as well make more laugh lines together.
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