The Belly Button, The Rage, The Romance: His Side of the Story

A real Q&A with my real man!

You’ve heard my side - midlife lust, eight-thousand-mile FaceTime foreplay, and the kind of intimacy that doesn’t give a damn about stretch marks or time zones. But now? It’s his turn.

I gave my man ten questions: no prep, no filters, and definitely no “say the safe thing.”

This isn’t some neatly packaged fairytale; it’s a Real Girls Guide love story with bite, baggage, and better orgasms.

Which means we get into the hunger, the history, the hormones, and what it really takes to be fully seen, and still fully wanted.

Here’s what I asked him:

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1. Be honest: what shocked the hell out of you about falling in love with a woman in her mid 40s way back when? (No, seriously. Did you expect it to be this hot? This grounded? This much?)

I think the thing that surprised me (I’m rarely shocked by anything) was how connected we were so quickly. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. I think that having the Pacific between us meant that we had to focus on all aspects of our relationship. Intentionally.

So, while the sensuality, physicality, and sexuality of our relationship was pleasantly surprising, the mature way we went about jointly developing our partnership was a very new experience for me.

If the question is about sex - my biggest shock was that you enjoyed it as much, and wanted it as much, as I did. That’s not been my (or most of my male friends) experience in general.

2. Long-distance love: what’s sexy about it, what’s absolute trash about it, and how do we make it work without losing our minds or the fire? (Also, rate my our airport reunions. 1 to “I could write an erotic novel.”)

I’m not sure anything is inherently ‘sexy’ about long-distance love. I think because we weren’t together all the time, we became very focused and deliberate about our time together.

I certainly wouldn’t choose it as a model on purpose. But as we know, life is rarely something we can control. So being dealt that hand, we made it ‘sexy’. Much more so than we might have if we lived in the same city or the same house.

Our creative use of back seats in airport parking lots definitely is 10 out of 10!
“Sexy Time Fun Time” on Zoom was a highly successful endeavor as well!

Some people have a ‘go-bag’. I prefer our travel-size ‘sex-bag’ always ready to go.

What’s trash about it? It’s probably really the timezone difference more than anything. Coming home from work after a shit day and just wanting to talk to you and you are fast asleep because it’s 1am where you are.

3. We’ve both been around the block. What’s better about sex now than it ever was in our 20s? (And if you say “communication,” you better follow it up with something filthy.)

Communication.

About all the sexy stuff that we are really into. Like when you watched 50 Shades of Grey and then wanted a spreader bar! And the many other new, exciting, and sexy things we tried for the first time and together. Honestly, the best thing is never feeling like anything that either of us wants to try or do in the bedroom is off limits.

And being comfortable enough in our partnership to be able to talk about it and then do it.

4. What’s one thing I do that makes you melt, or makes you want to drag me to bed immediately? (No pressure, but choose wisely. Your answer lives on the internet.)

It’s funny what can turn someone on. I know this is going to sound trite, but often for me it’s the little moments. There is something very sexy to me about seeing your belly button. Like when you are wearing a cute short sweater and you stretch and it exposes your belly button, that just turns me on. Instantly.

I know you’ve written about (and more pointedly have gotten rid of) your thong collection, but you had some VERY sexy panties that I have a wonderful vault of photos of you wearing.

I am less the ‘drag you to bed’ kind of guy, but I AM the ‘stay in the bed and don’t get out until noon’ kinda guy. So just waking up next to you makes me want to stay in bed with you until noon (or later)...

5. I write about us. A lot. How does it feel knowing strangers read about my orgasms, our arguments, and everything in between? (Do you skim for the juicy parts, or are you pretending not to be horrified?)

I take great pride in the effort that I put in with you to help you achieve amazing orgasms. So many men fail to do what I think is just ‘ticket to play’ type stuff. And actually you having an orgasm is probably the thing that turns me on more than anything else you could possibly do.

As for having people read about it… Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.

For the rest of it, I think we have built an amazing, respectful, loving, supportive, nurturing, and enduring partnership. That has taken difficulties, arguments, tears, conversations, solo time, reflection, maturity, and much much more. I’m super proud of our relationship and how we have worked to make it better and better.

Days, weeks, months, and years at a time. I’m much more comfortable that people read and know about that side of our lives as I think there are some great lessons in what we’ve lived through and what we’ve done to build an amazing life.

6. We’ve got history: kids, heartaches, exes, old scars. What makes this relationship different? Why us, and why now? (Use your words. The Real Girls are watching.)

“Use your words”. Cool. Thanks for momsplaining that.

That’s a lot to cover. We could probably write an entire book just on that question. Maybe your next book can be a how-to guide for building a lasting partnership. Happy to co-write that with you.

7. What’s “romantic” look like to you these days, and how is it different from when you were young and dumb? (Bonus points if you reference The Chart from All Fours, because let’s be real, it cracked the code on my hormones faster than either of us did.)

Honestly, “romantic” for me is the same today as when I was young and dumb. I’ve always been a romantic at heart. A glass of wine, some chill music, a fireplace, snow falling outside, and sitting on the floor and just being totally present and together is romantic AF. Perhaps you are wearing a cute short sweater. Maybe I see your belly button when you stretch. Maybe I drag you to the bedroom.

The big difference for me these days is the deep personal and emotional connection I feel with you as a true partner. I also know that between then and now there has been a lot of exploration, wild sex, new experiences, and sweaty nights (and afternoons). It is true that has trailed off a bit much in the same way that hormone chart drops off a cliff. But being “romantic”; that’s still the same.

8. You’ve seen me mid-rage, mid-menopause (and post), mid-cry, and mid-magic. Why do you still choose me? (Go ahead and say “because you’re a goddess,” but make it sincere.)

Sorry love. You are not a goddess. What even is a goddess?

You are definitely a badass. And you ARE genuine. (and maybe that makes a goddess? idk) Genuine in your strengths. Genuine in your shortcomings. Genuine in your craziness. Genuine in your love for me.

I still choose you every day because we truly have forged this path together. As true partners. I’ve learned a lot on the journey about what women go through, what you’ve gone through, what works for us, and what doesn’t.

I’ve learned a lot about myself, what I need, and what I thought I knew versus what I actually knew! I know you like a good “spoiler” so, spoiler: they are not the same!

9. What’s something about loving a powerful, no-BS, emotionally evolved woman that terrifies you a little, and something that turns you on beyond belief? (Midlife women don’t come with user manuals. How are you managing?)

Women don’t come with user manuals. Full stop. I mean guys don’t either but we are very simple to work out. Guys are like an analog clock and a woman is like trying to set the time on a VCR! I know that reference will date me but I feel given your target audience, I’m sure it will resonate.

But seriously, I think the thing that terrified/terrifies me is that there is a LOT going on for a woman in mid-life. Guilt, remorse, past trama, hormones, changing roles, anger, passion, fear, running out of fucks to give, and much more.

So it’s a bit like a lottery most days as to what fresh new hell may emerge. And what makes all that manageable is both that you get it and that we discuss it. Together.

Thankfully we have a very open and connected relationship and so we work through all of this together. Painful sometimes, but ALWAYS worth it.

Turn on: did I mention that sexy little belly button of yours? And it may be trite, but I’m incredibly turned on by watching you be a complete and total badass in your life.

10. Last one, baby: What advice would you give to other men trying to love women like me, women who’ve lived, lost, risen, and will never again settle for half-assed anything?
(This is your TED Talk moment. Don’t blow it.)

Assume nothing. Talk about everything. And live in a separate country if possible.

Midlife love isn’t always clean - it’s messy, raw, and worth every risk. If this made you laugh, blush, or squirm a little, share it. Buckle up, babes—the Real Girls Guide ride is just getting started.

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#RGG55 #RealGirlsGuide55 #MidlifeLove #HotAfter40 #LoveUnfiltered #MidlifeIntimacy

We’ve earned every wrinkle. Might as well make more laugh lines together.
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