Real Girls Reality Check(list): Somebody Has to Send the First Text
And if you’re wondering why it’s usually you… there might be a reason.
A couple of blogs ago, I wrote about the hidden promotions women seem to collect in midlife. Turns out there’s an important one I forgot: Social Planner.
Before I go too far, there is something I know about myself: I’m really fucking good at connecting people—it’s one of my superpowers that applies to both work and everyday life. But the problem with having a superpower is people start assuming you’re always on duty.
My friend Charlie Bauman, LMFT - our resident RGG therapist and a familiar face in the REAL GIRLS GUIDE TO MIDLIFE - shared something with me recently that I haven’t stopped thinking about.
After decades of working with couples, he’s noticed a pattern: many people don’t necessarily build their own social circles, they participate in someone else’s. A spouse plans dinner. A sibling organizes the family gathering. A neighbor reaches out about a block party. Someone else always sends the first text.
He wasn’t blaming anyone, he was simply describing what he sees over and over again.
And dammit, did he ever have a point. I started thinking about who actually makes the plans in my own life, and who just happily shows up.
Reality Check #1: Friendships don’t maintain themselves.
Think about the last dinner you had with another couple. Who reached out first? Who compared calendars? Who finally picked the restaurant after everyone said, “I’m good with whatever?” Who remembered to make the reservation?
Somebody did. Those dinners don’t magically appear on the calendar.
Someone quietly makes them happen.
Reality Check #2: Being good at planning is how you accidentally become the planner forever.
I love introducing friends who end up becoming friends. I like hosting. I don’t mind sending the text or suggesting a girls’ dinner or finding a weekend that works for everyone. And I know many other ladies who also like this stuff. Then one day we realized we’d organized the last five get-togethers and started wondering…if we stopped, would anyone else start?
I am not at all resentful of this but it made me curious. I don’t think these roles are assigned; I think they evolve. You do something because you’re good at it, then you do it again. Before long, everyone—including you—just assumes it’s your thing.
Sound familiar?
Reality Check #3: “We should get together sometime” is one of the biggest lies adults tell.
Not because we don’t mean it.
We absolutely do, but life just gets in the way.
Someone’s traveling, someone’s working late, someone’s kid comes home from college. Somebody gets sick. Suddenly it’s been eight months since you’ve seen people you genuinely enjoy. Good intentions are wonderful, they just don’t put dinner on the calendar.
Reality Check #4: Retirement can be one hell of a social wake-up call.
Charlie told me he often asks men who are getting ready to retire what they’re looking forward to:
“We’re going to travel,” they’ll say.
“Fantastic,” he’ll say. “Let’s say you travel twelve weeks a year.”
They nod.
“So… what are you going to do with the other 40?”
He says there’s often a long pause.
I thought that was fascinating. Not because I think men don’t have hobbies or interests. And honestly, I know plenty of women who’d struggle with that question, too.
Work gives so many of us structure, routine, and purpose. When that disappears, you suddenly notice who you’ve been calling, who’s been calling you, and whether your relationships have been running on autopilot.
Reality Check #5: Someone always goes first.
Every friendship starts with one invitation.
Every neighborhood barbecue happened because somebody decided to host it.
Every girls’ trip exists because one person finally said, “I’m booking the Airbnb.”
Someone always goes first.
The question is whether it’s always the same person.
My conclusion: maybe it’s time to rotate the job.
This isn’t about keeping score, nor is it about deciding women do everything and men need to step it up. It’s simply about noticing the patterns we’ve slipped into without really talking about them.
If you’re always the planner, maybe let someone else make the next move once in a while. And if you’re usually the one waiting for an invitation…
Send the text.
Pick the date.
Choose the restaurant.
Odds are your friends aren’t avoiding you. They’re probably sitting at home thinking exactly what you’re thinking: “We really should get together sometime.”
So, who keeps your social life alive? Maybe buy her a drink. Or better yet, beat her to the next text!
#RealGirlsGuidetoMidlife #MidlifeFriendship #MidlifePlanner
We’ve earned every wrinkle. Might as well make more laugh lines together.
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